Marla's Alphabet Soup

Here I am on social media thinking how much I need a break from social media. And still I write.

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Choosing sides in the multifaceted issue of illegal immigration seems artificial and overly simplistic to me. I have no good answers. Yes, being in a country illegally is wrong. However, choosing to be in a country illegally and living in permanent limbo in the shadows because that is safer than living in your home country should give everyone pause. America at large has cashed in on that limbo while screaming about illegals for decades. Presidents have kicked that can down the road for as long as we have talked about immigration laws. Methinks the hypocrisy underminds the argument.

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The danger of either/or politics is the false dichotomy created. Since I became a legal voter, I have always chafed under this notion of either/or. My ballot frequently looks like a drunk Christmas tree. Following the law does not negate emotion or empathy. Nor should emotion and empathy cancel legal responsibilities. Ask any criminal attorney in America.

Airline gate agents can be sympathetic to your plight and your sprint from gate E61 in terminal 4, but they are not going to reopen the boarding door once it is closed. An argument can be right and wrong at the same time for different people. The best we can do is the next right thing at the time and set our eyes on a better understanding and more meaningful compromise next time. It takes time. It is scary. There is unintended fallout. Not everyone will win.

Those of us in the silent majority in this country, currently under chastisement by the ever vocal minority, believe there is middle ground to be had on almost all of our national issues, but those making the most noise seems disinterested in finding it. Currently, we (the collective we) are allowing ourselves to be put onto war footing on any number of issues when there. is. no. war. The government, the press, social media, the internet do not have any interest in solutions because solutions do not keep them “”in power.” Solutions don’t draw advertising dollars, feed the insatiable beast of more, or provide fodder for the pundits. Clickbait is just clickbait. A news cycle is a news cycle. Controlling the narrative allows for manuevering, posturing, and whatever else is wanted when making a deal. And dear readers, there is always a deal. There always has been. It is how things are done in Washington. Everyone’s voting record becomes twisted in a tit for tat over pork barrel spending, catching the bigger fish, and back pocket favors.

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I’m so confused by the protesters. I’m not even sure what is being protested most of the time. Do the protesters even know what they are protesting? Are they protesting the removal of illegal immigrants? Or Are the protesting the way in which the removal is happening? Or are they protesting civil rights violations of citizens? Or are they just out there hollering and venting rage against people who don’t see their point of view? These arguments are not the same. I would like some clarity.

Incidentally, I feel like some protesters need a session on the value of peaceful protest. You pick one issue. One. And you make the optics so crystal clear that everyone understands what is happening. Kitchen soup protesting does not help your case.

Our rights as citizens are fragile and strong at the same time. While these rights are extended on some level to illegal immmigrants, asylum seekers, and overstaying international students while in our country, these rights are not guaranteed to them. Taking advantage of our constitutional rights as citizens and then behaving poorly on the behalf of “whomever we deem deserving” makes a mockery of our rights. People come to this country for a better life. When we treat that life in a supercilious manner, we devalue our own country’s worth. There are better ways to fight injustice than kicking cars, blocking traffic, and hurling insulting invectives at law enforcement.

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To the alphabet soup of law enforcement personnel in Minnesota and elsewhere, do you have clear guidance? Do you have proper authority in writing? Are you on board yourself with what is happening? Will your actions be backed up by your boss? By their boss? Why the SWAT gear and army grade weapons to detain and deport people? We aren’t in Fallujah. If you have to wear a facemask for your own protection in your own country, perhaps you should question what you have been asked to do? Excessive force is indulgence. Lethal force is almost never a winner and you know it. Remember your training and remember where you are—neighborhoods in America, not on a battlefield.

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Mr. President, Using your office for revenge is cheap and wrong on every level. No one is questioning the deportation of illegal aliens who have violent criminal records. However, using the widest brush possible to determine “criminal” in order to up the deportation numbers does irreparable harm to people who are here for good reason and with papers to prove it. You do not truly care about the problem of immigration any more than your predecessors did. You care about winning. Labeling protesting citizens (however ill-advised or unruly they are) as domestic terrorists is irresponsible and sets a dangerous precedent. Do better sir.

And to those yes men and women in the current administration who are operating with blinders on, how well are you sleeping at night?

Everybody needs to calm the fuck down. This situation is untenable and disasterous. I am baffled.

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And to those of you at the grocery store, or at school, or at a hospital, or your place of employment being harrassed and forced to show proof of citizenship because you are brown or black, or speaking your first language to your friends and family in public, I am so very sorry. I cannot believe that happens here, but it does and it’s wrong and super scary. I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard about it from trusted friends. If I do see it and I can help, I pray I can act on your behalf in a positive way.

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That’s all I have to say. Take care of yourselves dear readers. Love your neighbors—all of them. Do the next right thing. Stay safe.

Love y’all so big,

Marla

Today is my last day of November’s gratitude journey. Interesting that it coincides with the first Sunday of Advent.

I am grateful for so many things right now. An adventurous husband who deals with traveling minutia so I only have to pack my bag and keep my temper. Two grown, healthy sons who still travel with us, hug us, and love us. A navy blue gold embossed passport that eases border crossings and immigration anywhere in the world. Day and night nurses who work holidays and weekends caring for my mother so that I can enjoy my holiday without guilt or worry. Every single day I am aware that I won the cosmic lottery and I can never say thank you enough.

I find it ironic that Advent begins today. Advent, the season of waiting. I have multiple tracks going through my head right now about waiting. One of the songs of our church Christmas cantata is titled, “Waiting.” As I sing that song in my head, I am actually physically waiting for a delayed flight home. Concurrently, I am waiting for my mother’s long illness to end. My younger son is waiting to hear about his college admission. My older son is waiting on his work schedule. My husband is waiting for the Delta app to update. I have decided that this season of limbo is another manifestation of the “both and” tension for those of us between two kingdoms.

It is difficult to think of waiting as an active practice. Waiting feels so inactive. And yet it is the most active state of being one can experience. This state of limbo is why the season of Advent is so important for me personally. Practicing “active waiting” is enormously difficult, but truly rewarding.

All these years of Advent have been a training ground for me. Waiting through nine months of two pregnancies. Waiting in countless hospital rooms, surgery centers, and doctor’s offices for loved ones. Waiting at car rental counters, in airports, in security lines—in traffic. Waiting is an integral part of life and it takes a lifetime of practice to stop fighting the wait. Allowing the wait doesn’t mean giving up, but fighting the wait burns unnecessary energy one needs for the wait.

So I wait. While I wait, I practice. Active listening. Lectio divina. Breath prayers. Compassion. And Gratitude. So Welcome Advent. I am grateful to begin again.

Love y’all,

Marla

This week has been a big one full of all the feels. I could not have borne it without my friends. I had one friend who answered the text and made a commitment for a long phone call the next day. I had one friend who answered the call and made a meeting for drinks. I had one friend who took the time to text with me even though she has her own shit sandwich going on. I had another friend text me almost every day to check on me. And another friend who shared her own similar story and let me pour mine out (again). One who immediately said, let’s go walking and set a time. One who said, how are you? And the world stopped until I was done.

“There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend. Jean Jacques Rousseau

And then there is my best friend, my husband, who has been in this crazy adult disaster life of mine from the beginning. Yesterday he took the whole day to just be with me. We took a drive. We took a hike. We had a picnic. We took a nap. We made dinner. And we didn’t talk about anything at all except the weather, our upcoming trips, college memories, and the last time we went hiking with the kids.

“Giving thanks for abundance is greater than the abundance itself.” Rumi

There is nothing so dear to a grown woman as her friends. It can be difficult to cultivate friendships as an adult outside of your kids and their activities. But it is oh so worth it. Cultivating friendship with your spouse also takes effort, but is so necessary for this beautiful life I live with him.

“I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

So thank you friends. You know who you are and what you mean to me. I am so loved and I feel your thoughts and prayers and love all the time. May I be there for you always.

Love y’all,

Marla

I’ve had to cast a wide net this week to find perspective and peace. Finding reasons to be thankful has not been difficult, but keeping the mind firmly set on gratitude has been a bit more challenging. Here are some daily quotes that kept me going:

“It’s not happy people that are thankful. It’s thankful people who are happy.”

“So much has been given to me; I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.” Helen Keller

“Gratitude helps us to see what IS there instead of what ISN’T.” Annette Bridges

“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” William James

“Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life.” Rumi

I hope you have found moments of gratitude, thankfulness, peace, rest, quiet—whatever you have needed this week friends.

Take care and talk soon.

Love, Marla

I have been engaged in a quote journey by Anne Neilson for awhile now called 100 Days of Gratitude. Each quote is paired with her original artwork Angel Series. I

have decided to share some of the quotes that hit home for me during yhr month of November. Each week I will post seven quotes from/for the week. Perhaps by December our hearts will be softened and ready to receive what Advent brings. Here is today’s nugget:

“We can complain because rosebushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.” Abraham Lincoln

Love y’all, Marla

PS, I don’t think I can post her artwork because of copywrite, so here is a stock photo from the internet…

Last week our minister asked me to read the scripture for today (Sunday). I was honest with him and told him I would feel like a complete fraud as this particular commandment is a daily struggle. Our lesson comes from Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:1-4. I wrestled all week with these verses, not because I didn’t know them, and not because I have not followed them, but because, as an adult, I do not feel I successfully live out Deuteronomy 5:16.

Interestingly enough, I remember memorizing Ephesians 6:1 in kindergarten. “Children obey your parents.” I was (and still am) the quintessential eldest daughter. My husband sent me a meme this morning actually:

Why am I not surprised that we never learned Ephesians 6:4 in kindergarten? “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” You could also substitute or add “and mothers”. After all, if we are to honor both, should they not both be held accountable? The intent of this verse probably was not an invitation for obedience to become a two way street between parent and child. However, if I have learned anything about raising adolescents, provoking, angering, demanding, and frustrating your teenager will backfire every single time. If yelling “do what I say, not what I model as your parent” isn’t an example of the dark side of God’s humor, well, I don’t know what is.

I am not a perfect parent. I was not a perfect child. I learned to be a good enough parent. I never learned how to be a good enough child. I am haunted by my own adolescence. The blind obedience, desire for approval, and belief that love could only come from being perfect nearly killed me—more than once. I have stared those demons down every day of my adult life. Mistakes are learning opportunities. Failure builds resilience. Blind obedience is dangerous. One’s character is about truth not perfection.

Thus my struggle with Deuteronomy 5:16. “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” The first time I discovered that my parents were fallible was in fourth grade. They had to tell me the truth about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I didn’t believe my parents could lie. It was a heavy blow. I was a true believer in magic and fairy tales. I thought happily ever after was real and it would rightly come to me. (I got my happily ever after, but that’s a tale for another day.)

I can count in one hand the number of times I was truly disobedient from the time I was twelve or so. Self-flagellation was very much alive in spirit though not in physical action. Somehow I survived middle school. High school was a daily recitation of “college is coming, hang on and don’t be stupid.”

When I arrived at college it did not take long for those inflexible “perfect child” restraints to snap. I am fortunate that I had a support system to replace those crumbling guardrails. I credit the interested, present, and understanding adults on and off campus in my life for being there for me.

My parents divorced my junior year. The fifth Commandment and I have been on limited speaking terms ever since. The divorce itself I have come to terms with. The subsequent life paths of my father and mother are not my business. They are who they are and our relationships are what they are.

I have struggled with the idea of honoring my parents all of my adult life. This must certainly be a moral failing on my part. It certainly does not fit the mold of eldest daughter. Duty? Check. Accept them as your parents? Check. Honor them? As a dear friend of mine says about questions he doesn’t wish to answer, “do you want the real answer or the funny answer?”

So there you have it folks. The unvarnished truth. The imperfection. The sin. I have always been honest with my own children. I have acknowledged the failure to model Deuteronomy and Ephesians in the expected manner and done my best to explain why. I can only hope that my attempts to do the right thing are stronger than the less than stellar results my boys have sometimes witnessed and experienced.

Today’s sermon had many comforting moments. Honor looks like taking care of your elders. Check. Honor looks like accepting that a mother and a father gave you the gift of being. Check. Honor looks like doing your best to live a life with God at your center and above all others. Check. If this is what the honor of really Deuteronomy 5:16 means, then I can do it and so can you. These ideas do not bring me the peace of absolution and freedom I seek, but as Brian McLaren says, “We make the road by walking.”

I’m all out of honest reflection at the moment friends. I just want to be a good human. Humbly on the journey of life with you.

Love y’all so big,

Marla